Monday, March 31, 2014

90- Just a Scumbag

Dane: [GM] A Shadow's Watch soldier walks in and picks up GR-210. "We'll get those modifications put on right away doctor." The soldier walks out.
Joe: [GR-210] "See you bitches when I kick ass!"
Soo: [Kali d'Vostog] Kali sighs to herself. "Humoring him is really just about the worst thing you can do, you know."
Dane: [GM] Graham nods. "Yes but I know him as well as the rest of you at least. If I didn't give into his requests, we would hear about it until the end of days."
Ian: [Mari Shasho] "Speaking of the end of days: how close do you think the Order of the Opening Eye is to completing this master plan of theirs?"
Dane: [GM] "That is one of the things we need you to find out. We are likely witnessing the first steps of this operation but it is very important to pull it out at the root. One of your chief concerns while you infiltrate the cult is going to be assessing how far along their plan is."
Kyle: [Bailey Hunt] "Bu' wha' 'bout miss Kali? That Himmult guy said the cult was fixin' to kill the nobility. Be kinda 'ard to slink her in don'tcha think?"
Soo: [Kali d'Vostog] "Oh boy, more risking my neck. Maybe I'll get lucky and this time I'll just get killed."
Ian: [OOC] Was that mean't to be OOC?
Soo: [OOC] Nah, I think even Kali is noticing a pattern.
Ian: [Mari Shasho] Mari leans on Kali protectively. "I bet that's why they killed Dillon Johnson once he served his purpose."
Dane: [GM] Graham flips through his papers. "We're well ahead of you. On the trip here I had the boys in the intelligence department come up with something I think will work." Graham hands Kali a stack of papers. The papers detail a long criminal history for Kali.
Soo: [Kali d'Vostog] Kali looks at the papers.
Dane: [GM] "A mugshot will complete the ruse."
Soo: [Kali d'Vostog] "So I'm to be a high-born criminal of some kind?"
Dane: [GM] "These documents make you out to be a charlatan who impersonates noble personages. You're a wanted con-woman in five provinces and you have had a hand in everything from antiquities smuggling to land fraud."
Kyle: [Bailey Hunt] "Oh I see. Sah' Kali doesn't 'ave to 'splain bein' a noble all this time because she's really jus'ta scumbag."
Soo: [Kali d'Vostog] "How kind you're choice words are, Bailey."
Dane: [GM] GR-210 is escorted back into the room, a lab tech following behind him and trying to adjust the small hovering unit on the back of his head-body. A small flare gun tube has been mounted to the side of his head as well. "Will you please hold still sir, I'm trying to calibrate the unit" she says.
Joe: [GR-210] "Stop touching my bits woman! They might be new bits but they're my bits! Also a flare gun tube? I wanted a machine gun. I was very clear!"
Dane: [GM] The tech keeps working, clearly suppressing the urge to throw GR across the room.
Kyle: [OOC] Hey look, an NPC I can actually relate to. Can we get rid of Danielle and take her?
Soo: [OOC] Danielle is here? I keep forgetting whenever she doesn't talk for a while.
Dane: [GM] I keep hoping everyone will so I can stop playing her.
Dane: [GM] The technician sighs. "The hover unit you have generates a carefully calibrated amount of lift in order to let you hover. A flare tube is the only armament we had that had no recoil. Anything heavier would have thrown you wildly off-target while shooting."
Joe: [GR-210] "I've never cared about hitting the people around me before!"
Dane: [Danielle] Danielle looks very agitated that someone is handling GR, let alone working on him.
Soo: [OOC] I'm kind of surprised he got a hovering levitation thing. I know there's magic in this steampunk setting but I expected maybe a helicopter set-up or something.
Kyle: [OOC] You want Joe to control a character with whirling blades?
Soo: [OOC] Good point. 

Friday, March 28, 2014

89- The Un-Post

I regret to inform all of the maybe 3 readers of this that there will be no post for today, 3/28/14. I write this... whatever it is, as a free-writing experiment and thus do my best to make each post on the spot. However last evening my pet cat of 18 years passed away and while I hate drag my personal issues into play, I'm just not feeling very funny today. After attempting and deleting several possible posts, I've just decided it's best to let myself mope until Monday's page.

Joe: [OOC] So wait. He can't do a post because he's too sad to be funny? Whose been dying for the other 88 posts? I hope it at least gets some mileage out of each one.
Dane: [GM] Joe, stop antagonizing the author.
Joe: [OOC] What? It's not like he can read this.
James: [Author] Yes I can.
Joe: [OOC] And here I thought I had found the reason for all the typos.
James: [Author] I just don't talk a lot because I feel like fourth-wall humor doesn't really have a place in the project.
Soo: [OOC] But this is a nerd project. Nerds love fourth-wall humor.
James: [Author] Yeah, but when you already have the group dynamic of the players working against Dane, adding in the traditional 'uncooperative characters/exasperated author/director' joke would just seem like a pointless extra layer. Besides, I can do my job just fine without being present in the body of the work.
Joe: [OOC] If this listless narrative is what you consider 'fine'.
James: [Author] For example...
Joe: [OOC] Soo, I've left my wife. Now we can finally be together.
Soo: [OOC] WHAT?!
Joe: [OOC] I didn't say that!
James: [Author] Yes you did. Now dance puppets! Dance!
Ian: [OOC] Oh yes, this is all seeming like a great page of 'mourning'.
Kyle: [OOC] I hope this is one of those fourth-wall breaches that we all just sort of ignore on the next post.

In Memory of Darth Vader the Cat
Because a cat that slept on the keyboard for half these posts would have wanted 
an amusing memorial.

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

88- Newton's First Law of Selective Narrative Logic

Dane: [GM] Graham rubs his temple as if the sheer frustration of the GM were being channeled into his body and he was struggling to not explode. "Which brings me to your involvement."
Soo: [Kali dVostog] "Yes, I was getting anxious. We have no particular vendetta in this whole affair so we were hoping our quiet exit would be amicable."
Dane:[GM] "I'm afraid that's not going to be an option Lady d'Vostog. This cult business is all about spreading panic. If we allow people with knowledge of the events to go back into the general population, the Black Guards cannot adequately ensure the public's  peace of mind."
Joe: [GR-210] "Alright, alright. But I just request that I be shot in the head last. I want to watch everyone die. You owe me Ghilly. Remember that blonde back when you were a sophomore?" 
Dane: [GM] Graham sifts through his papers. "I assure you that it is hardly that sort of an affair GR. I've talked to the powers-that-be and they are willing to conscript your adventuring troupe into the Black Guards until this assignment has been handled. You will be well supplied and when this is all over you'll be allowed to go with our gratitude."
Kyle: [Bailey Hunt] "'ey, doc. Does 'gratitude' mean money er the other, pidd'leh kinda gratitude?"
Dane: [GM] "Of course there will be substantial compensation."
Ian: [Mari Shasho] Mari leans on Kali and waves her hand like she's asking a question in grade school. "What exactly can we do that the Shadow's Watch can't do by itself?"
Kyle: [OOC] Oh yes Ian. The Gestapo decides we're more useful alive than dead and you choose to ask 'why'.
Dane: [GM] "An excellent question, miss. The Shadow's Watch relies on a number of avenues when pursuing our objectives. In this case, we feel that a group of adventurers would fit the bill. You have credentials as professional troubleshooters and you have no prior links to the government. You'll be much more realistic as infiltrators than agents we could set up ourselves.
Joe: [OOC]  Translation: because if we shot you and chucked you over the side, Dane would have to make a whole new campaign.
Dane: [GM] You know any plot stops making sense if you stare at it hard enough.
Ian: [OOC] Like how the timeline for the opening scene of Minority Report doesn't gel with the rest of the movie.
Soo: [OOC] Haven't heard that one.
Dane: [GM] Ian, we've heard your fan theory, please spare us and tell her in person.
Ian: [OOC] I just think the whole movie makes more sense if you...
Dane: [GM] That was an imperative 'please spare us' Ian.
Soo: [OOC] If you stare into the abyss, the continuity errors stare back.
Joe: [GR-210] "Hmm, infiltration work. We'll likely be quickly discovered and brutally executed by savage cultists trying to bring about the end of the world... Give me a new body and it's a deal."
Dane: [GM] Graham nods. "It's a deal then."
Joe: [GR-210] "Actually, not a new body. I want a hover unit so I can fly around. Oh! And a gun mounted under me so I can pretend I'm a helicopter. Can I also get a little arm with a buzz-saw?"
Soo: [OOC] Joe! Stop trying to hardball the secret police.
Dane: [GM] Graham puts some papers on the coffee table. "We managed to capture Dr. Himmult and his cronies before they could escape into the jungle. This will be your 'in'. We'll use Himmult's credibility with the cult to get you access to their operations. From there you will work with the cult while sabotaging things for us. Got it?"
Ian: [Mari Shasho] Mari looks at the papers "Won't the cult eventually learn of Himmult's arrest and get suspicious that we came in at the same time?"
Dane: [GM] "You should be long finished with your mission by the time that happens."
Kyle: [OOC] In other words "this will work right up until it's dramatically appropriate for it to not work".
Soo: [OOC] Mmhmm. That's Newton's First Law of Selective Narrative Logic. 

Monday, March 24, 2014

87- With Bees

Dane: [GM] Soon enough you are all in a nicely appointed sitting room aboard a large Imperial airship. Although the airship, the Vigilance, is clearly of military design, there is nothing you noted as you came on board that would indicate it as the operation center for the Shadow's Watch.
Joe: [OOC] Wait wait wait. We just go railroaded all the way from the jungle to a freaking airship?
Dane: [GM] Did you have something to do between those two points?
Joe: [OOC] Several!
Dane: [GM] Did you have anything that wasn't horribly tasteless to do between those two points?
Joe: [OOC] Nevermind, carry on sir.
Kyle: [Bailey Hunt] Bailey immediately seeks out a chair with something near enough to it to put his boots up. "Well ain' this a kick. Finally 'it the big times!"
Ian: [Mari Shasho] Mari sits down near a window, looking out at it. "I'm surprised you're not less comfortable. You're the one who hates flying."
Kyle: [Bailey Hunt] "Too good'a mood ta be frettin'."
Soo: [Kali dVostog] Kali walks over near Mari and sits down beside her. "We were just spirited out of the jungle by government secret agents. I'm not so sure this is a good thing, Hunt."
Joe: [OOC] Ooh, we have a person named Hunt and we're about to work for a secret agency. I love when this crap comes together.
Joe: [GR-210] GR skitters around. "I think what our roughened colleague means is that we will likely be given work by the Black Guards. This will very likely be well paying and come with the sort of protection that government work entails. It's much better than freelance adventuring."
Dane: [GM] Just then, Dr. Graham walks in with a stack of papers. "Well, close, old chum. The Shadow's Watch has been tracking this cult of revolutionaries for quite some time. You merely stumbled upon it in a different way. You were fortunate to come to me for advice on your artifact hunt: it gave me the warning I needed to make sure our cleaning agents didn't... erm, consider you loose ends."
Joe: [GR-210] "About that, Ghilly. You work for the government?"
Dane: [GM] Graham adjusts his spectacles. "I'm the Shadow's Watch's primary consultant on matters dealing with antiques and ancient religions. I don't so much work for them as have some leverage around here. Allow me to explain what you've walked into."
Ian: [OOC] Gonna go get a soda. I don't like to be exposition-ed thirsty."
Soo: [OOC] Toss me one while you're there?
Ian: [OOC] Sure.
Joe: [OOC] Wait, you two are in the same place?
Soo: [OOC] Yeah we're at Ian's house. I just thought it would be funny to type it rather than say it.
Joe: [OOC] I just... I just...
Dane: [GM] "The cult you ran afoul of is the Order of the Opening Eye. They may put on the airs of an apocalyptic cult but they really are far more a band of revolutionaries merely tied together by their means. They seek to use the power of the Old Velthri portals to summon the extradimensional insects you've seen before. They intend to use these insects as a way of destabilizing the current government of the Imperia. The membership in the cult ranges from those who are legitimate devotees of Old Velthri religion to members of various anti-Imperial forces."
Kyle: [OOC] What is it Joe?
Joe: [OOC] I'm just so proud of him. Our little nerdy boy-child is finally becoming a man-child. I demand we follow old-school nobility rules. I demand proof after the first time.
Soo: [OOC] It's not like that and if it if was, it's not your business anyhow!
Ian: [OOC] Back... wait what is going on here?
Kyle: [OOC] The room on the airship?
Dane: [GM] No. I will leave this game, go study how to run an apiary, commit myself to several years of financial hardship and labor to start one AND THEN I WILL FILL YOUR HOMES WITH BEES. 

Friday, March 21, 2014

86- Un-Surrender

Dane: [GM] As all of this happens on the platform, you see soldiers coming out of the jungle in all directions. The troopers with Himmult are being either arrested or gunned down depending on how much they seem to be fighting back. A small squad of them are charging up the steps of the temple towards you.
Joe: [GR-210] "Oh dear, now we have twice as many people to kill."
Soo: [Kali d'Vostog] Kali gives GR a gentle boot to the head. "Haven't you heard that saying about the enemy of my enemy?"
Joe: [GR-210] "... is a potential witness to when I finally deal with my enemy and needs to be accounted for?"
Ian: [Mari Shasho] Mari looks down at the soldiers as the come up.
Kyle: [Bailey Hunt] Bailey decides to play it safe and keep his guns out and ready.
Dane: [GM] As the men get to the top you realize they're wearing Imperial army uniforms just like the other soldiers, except they have black scarves tied over their faces and black armbands instead of the traditional Imperial purple ones.
Joe: [OOC] Great, the Waffle-SS is here.
Joe: [OOC] WAFFEN* sorry, my auto-correct doesn't watch enough war movies.
Kyle: [OOC] Was about to say that sounded like a terribly inappropriate theme restaurant.
Ian: [Mari Shasho] Mari steps back a bit toward the rest of the group. "Um... we didn't do it..."
Soo: [Kali dVostog] Kali puts her hand up, it just seems like the correct thing to do.
Joe: [GR-210] "Good idea Kali! Now how can I... Danielle! Surrender for me!"
Dane: [Danielle] Danielle picks up  GR-210 so he can raise his little pincer arms in surrender.
Dane: [GM] Just then a familiar voice can be heard from behind the soldiers. "You lot seem to find trouble easier than we expected!" It's none other than Dr. Graham! He walks past the soldiers and you can see he's wearing the same black armband as the soldiers.
Kyle: [Bailey Hunt] Bailey twirls his pistol back, but doesn't holster it. "Well iffin' it ain't the good doc."
Joe: [GR-210] "Danielle! Un-surrender for me."
Dane: [Danielle] "Do I really have to put you down, master?"
Joe: [GR-210] "Oh fine, but only because I'm feeling generous. Ghilly! Nice of you to visit."
Dane: [GM] Gonna do some rolls related to pop culture knowledge.
Dane: [GM] Bailey starts to put the pieces together: the black masks, the armbands, the soldiers. These are the legendary Shadow's Watch, the Black Guards: the officially non-existent secret police of the Imperia. Turns out they're not just a myth to scare dissidents.
Kyle: [Bailey Hunt] Bailey repeats all that to the group... what? You know how annoying it would be to transfer all that through an accent?
Joe: [OOC] Is there a saving throw against disappearing to a gulag?
Dane: [GM] Graham smiles at the group. "I had hoped I could keep you out of this very important matter but it seems you're more involved than I thought. I'm afraid that you're going to have to come with us for a while.
Ian: [OOC] So, do you think we're just going to be murdered? Or do you think we're going on a secret missions.
Joe: [OOC] They're evil paladins, so I expect murder.
Dane: [GM] Those are blackguards. These are the Black Guards.
Kyle: [OOC] So they're celibate thugs who guard the Wall, why are they here?
Dane: [GM] That's the Night's Watch.
Kyle: [OOC] I'm not going to lie. I'm streaming Game of Thrones and not really 100% here.
Soo: [OOC] "And now his plot-coherence has ended."

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

85- Dr. Soo(se)

Dane: [Soldier 3, in good health] The third soldier whips his rifle around and tries to shoot Mari as she administers a potion to Kali. "Die bitch!" he yells, because I felt like having him say something.
Dane: [GM] However the shot misses Mari by a close margin.
Ian: [Mari Shasho] Mari ducks a little and flips the bird at the soldier.
Soo: [OOC] Is it your turn again already?
Ian: [OOC] Mocking NPCs is always a free action.
Dane: [Dr. Himmult, in good health] Himmult pulls out his own pistol and jumps back to try and get some space between everyone else and himself. "I should have known you would be heathens like the rest!"
Joe: [GR-210] "Well yeah, duh. We barely know you and you're super-fancy plan specifically involves killing people we know. What exactly are the odds of us, random folks you just met, also being cool with a plan involving ancient cults and mass-murder?"
Dane: [GM] Reeeeally stretching the limits of that free action there Joe.
Joe: [OOC] Oh, then GR just calls him a pedophile. That's nice and short.
Dane: [GM] As the top of the turn order comes around again, you all hear a faint buzzing sound. Up in the sky, a biplane is coming in low over the trees!
Kyle: [OOC] Okay so who has the best long range ability. I'm thinking Mari and fireballs.
Ian: [OOC] Got it. Time for flaming murder.
Dane: [GM] The plane begins to swing low around the top of the platform. The gunner in the back begins strafing the whole area with a machine gun!
Dane: [GM] Gimme a roll for everyone to avoid the spray of fire. I would roll attacks but this is more like an area effect for simplicity.
Dane: [GM] The machine gun's spread rains down on the platform. Soldier 1 and Soldier 2 are both hit by the high-caliber rounds and drop to the ground dead with massive wounds. Himmult scrambles from the platform with Soldier 3 and begins to flee. None of you are hit except Danielle. She takes a grazing wound to the arm.
Kyle: [OOC] I'm starting to think our GM has a grudge against arms.
Dane: [GM] I'm titling this campaign "A Farewell to Arms".
Soo: [OOC] Calling them 'Soldier  1' and 'Soldier 2' makes me feel like we're doing Dr. Seuss. 
Kyle: [OOC] I will not roll to confirm the crit, I will not roll for that shit.
Joe: [OOC] And what happened then? Why in the Tomb of Horrors they say, that his Hit Dice grew 3 sizes that day... because he was multiclassing out of rogue into barbarian for some reason.
Soo: [OOC] Okay that's enough of that.
Kyle: [Bailey Hunt] Bailey jumps down to the ground. "What the 'ell?!"
Dane: [GM] The plane seems to cycle off as the soldiers and Dr. Himmult flee. It must be after them.
Joe: [OOC] A likely situation, but I still think we should kill it anyway.
Ian: [OOC] That's what you said in the last campaign and it ruined everything.
Joe: [OOC] What? Dane was in his Game of Thrones mode and all the NPCs were white guys with beards, how was I supposed to know the one I killed was the king?
Kyle: [OOC] Because we were in his castle and he was sitting on his throne.
Joe: [OOC] The cultural norms of fantasy kingdoms can't be easily presumed, Kyle. That guy could have been a farmer and it was just customary for him to have a fancy seat.
Kyle: [OOC] Oh yes, truly I've been ethnocentric. How misguided of me.

Monday, March 17, 2014

84- No One Wants to be Cyclops

Dane: [GM] Okay, so now it's Joe's turn.
Joe: [GR-210] The heroic robot knew he had to do something. He knew this was his one chance to save the day. GR-210 takes a defense this turn. "Damn you Mari! You're not fit to start the revolution!"
Soo: [OOC] What the...
Joe: [OOC] I'm a freaking metal head on spider legs. They have rifles. What do you want me to do? Poke them to death? Nah, I'm going to play it safe just in case everyone else gets killed.
Ian: [OOC] You're a filthy coward. 
Joe: [OOC] Which I intend to continue being for years to come thanks to this plan, thank you very much.
Dane: [GM] Okay then, Danielle is up.
Dane: [Danielle] Danielle looks at GR-210. "I'm confused master, which group exactly are we betraying?"
Joe: [GR-210] "Oh, I suppose our current friends. Just shoot to maim, okay dear?"
Dane: [Danielle] "They shall not be let free of the cursed mortal coil just yet master." Danielle pulls out her rifle, which consumes her turn.
Dane: [GM] As much as I would love to follow through on Joe's request to murder my own team, I have to smoke a round setting up that rifle again.
Kyle: [OOC] How generous of you.
Dane: [Soldier 1, in good health] Soldier 1 looks around confused and eventually settles on popping off a shot at Bailey since he's the only person clearly against him. 
Dane: [GM] However the shot whizzes narrowly past Bailey without hurting him.
Joe: [OOC] All this missing is a lot more funny when you consider we're on a flat, open-air surface with no discernible cover.
Dane: [GM] Oh yes Joe, tempt me to call you out on that defensive action you took.
Dane: [Soldier 2, shot in the shoulder] Soldier 2 scrambles to pick up his handgun and get on to his feet this turn.
Soo: [OOC] Wait, getting up from being on the ground takes a turn?
Dane: [GM] Yeah.
Soo: [OOC] Oh, if I knew that I wouldn't have had Kali flop down before. It seemed like a logical reaction.
Soo: [Kali dVostog] Kali squirms a bit and pulls herself back up to standing. She winces in pain from her wound.
Dane: [GM] Ian!
Ian: [Mari Sasho] Mari runs over to Kali, yanking a potion out of her bag as she goes. "Here Kali! I'm so, so sorry!"
Ian: [OOC] Administering the potion as my action.
Dane: [GM] The potion poured on Kali's wound stings like hell, but you can see the wound physically closing in real-time.
Soo: [OOC] Kali d'Vostog: Blue-blooded paraplegic wizard Wolverine.
Kyle: [OOC] If she's Wolverine, does that mean she's going to show up in other games we play for added publicity?
Joe: [OOC] I think it means she's going to be played by Hugh Jackman in a progressively worsening series of directorial decisions.
Dane: [GM] Can we not get into X-Men right now, you know I have a sore spot about it.
Soo: [OOC] Hmm?
Dane: [GM] When I was a kid I was the only one who wore glasses, so when we were pretending to be the X-Men, Joe always made me be Cyclops.
Joe: [OOC] Oh please, you wanted to be Cyclops.
Dane: [GM] No one wants to be Cyclops Joe! Not even Cyclops wants to be Cyclops!
Soo: [OOC] You know, it's one of those words that kind of sounds weirder the more you say it.
Kyle: [OOC] Was there a mutant that could keep RPGs on track?
Ian: [OOC] No, but I think one of the Green Lanterns can run Pathfinder like nobody's business.

Friday, March 14, 2014

83- Plan B

Dane: [GM] Dr. Himmult smiles. "Go on, do it. Let those who have the most to gain be the ones who start the revolution."
Ian: [Mari Shasho] Mari winces a little and holds the gun up and aims it at Kali.
Ian: [OOC] Shit, I think I've worked myself into a corner here.
Soo: [OOC] I'm not specifically sure what to do, but I generally favor any plan that involves me living.
Kyle: [OOC] Well, Joe?
Joe: [OOC] What?
Ian: [OOC] This is kind of when you pull one of your lazy-but-brilliant plans out of your ass and ruin Dane's fun.
Joe: [OOC] Ahem! We're trying NOT to hurt someone. My thought-craft is based purely on ending lives. We're outside of my specialization.
Ian: [OOC] I got it! Mari will shoot AT Kali, but intentionally miss. Kali will flop like she was hit and we'll use the moment to kick everyone's ass.
Kyle: [OOC] There's like, a dozen people up here with guns. I doubt we can take them all down in one round. And that's assuming we top out the initiative order completely.
Dane: [GM] More importantly, I have no idea how you expect to be sharing this idea with Kali in character.
Joe: [OOC] We can't just psychically know what we're all thinking OOC? I think that's kind of what we always do anyhow.
Dane: [GM] Not when it's relevant!
Ian: [OOC] Fine, I'll go with "Plan B".
Joe: [OOC] We don't have jumper cables, a DeLorean or a stripper.
Ian: [OOC] Not your "Plan B".
Ian: [Mari Shasho] Mari quickly jerks the weapon off of Kali and tries to shoot the soldier holding her at gunpoint instead!
Joe: [OOC] "Mari quickly jerks the weapon off" Oh this is going in my Out-of-Context box forever...
Soo: [OOC] You're my hero Ian.
Dane: [GM] Oh my...
Dane: [GM] Mari's aim is quite off however and she hits Kali in the shoulder. The bullet still hits the soldier and knocks him down but Kali also takes a moderate wound.
Soo: [OOC] It's okay Ian. My standards for a hero are fairly flexible.
Dane: [GM] Sorry, he got a critical failure but I didn't want to ruin the moment, so I tried to hybridize the results.
Soo: [Kali dVostog] Kali drops to the ground, rolling around in pain.
Joe: [OOC] You know? I like this Plan B too.
Kyle: [OOC] I would have appreciated discussing this plan before, you know, DOING it.
Dane: [GM] Most of the soldier start to panic in confusion but a few prep to fight!
Dane: [GM] Initiative me Amadeus!
Dane: [GM] Okay, it's going to be Kyle, Joe, Danielle, Soldier 1, Soldier 2, Soo, Ian, Soldier 3, Himmult, top of the order.
Kyle: [Bailey Hunt] Bailey whips out his pistol. "Viva la revolution, doc!" he yells as he tries to hit Himmult.
Soo: [OOC] ...
Ian: [OOC] Was that even witty?
Joe: [OOC] It's not even correct Spanish.
Kyle: [OOC] SHUT UP!
Dane: [GM]  Bailey shoots off a shot at Dr. Himmult despite being mere feet away from him.
Joe: [OOC] You deserved that. If you had hit him after that one-liner, there would be no justice in the world.
Kyle: [OOC] It wasn't that bad.
Soo: [OOC] It was Kyle. It was so bad I'm honestly surprised it didn't hit Kali too.

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

82- One-Armed Wonder

Dane: [GM] Dr. Himmult gestures back down the hold. "Tell you friends to drop their weapons and come out with their hands up."
Soo: [Kali dVostog] "Um, guys... Dr. Himmult is here and he's got a lot of people with guns and he wants you to put down your weapons and come out with your hands up or he's probably going to shoot me."
Dane: [GM] Dr. Himmult rubs his temple in aggravation. "I didn't ask you to give them your life story you idiotic noblewoman!"
Joe: [GR-210] GR looks up the shaft to the surface. "Well! Maybe I don't want to! Maybe My weapons are more valuable to me than Kali's life. Did you ever think of that Mr. Smarty-pants?"
Soo: [Kali dVostog] Kali eeps. "GR! You don't even have a weapon!"
Dane: [GM] The soldier holding a gun on Kali shoves it into the side of her face to shut her up.
Kyle: [Bailey Hunt] Bailey kicks GR-210 hard.
Ian: [Mari Shasho] Mari kicks him too, just to be sure.
Dane: [GM] Dr. Himmult leans down by the hole. "Oh, so you really don't care about her? And why is that?"
Joe: [GR-210] Rolls around on the floor. "Because she's a snotty rich noblewoman pain-in-the-ass. I could have had a body by now but she didn't buy me one! Can you believe that?!"
Soo: [OOC] Hey you didn't remind me!
Joe: [OOC] And you didn't remind me to remind you!
Ian: [OOC] This is starting to blur the IC/OOC line a bit.
Kyle: [OOC] Wait a tick I think GR-210 is on to something here.
Soo: [OOC] So Dane, when Kali dies do I just make a new character? Do I show up right there or do you weave it into the plot?
Kyle: [Bailey Hunt] "Nah GR, dun go whinin' bout the aff'lent little miss. She's likely tah 'ave 'er thugs beat us up again!"
Dane: [GM] Dr. Himmult looks up at Kali and sneers a bit and looks back down. "Tell me gentlemen, what if I told you that we might just be on the same side of this little conflict?"
Ian: [Mari Shasho] Mari just seems confused.
Soo: [OOC] You and me both, dear.
Joe: [GR-210] "I'm listening. Would it mean getting back at her?"
Dane: [GM] "Getting back at all of them."
Joe: [GR-210] "Bring me and my lads up to the surface. We have something to discuss."
Dane: [GM] The soldiers up top help everyone to the surface. You're all now standing on the stone platform with Dr. Himmult. Kali and the soldiers are on the other side.
Soo: [Kali dVostog] "Oh, hello everyone. Nice of you to join us. Tea? Scones?"
Dane: [GM] Dr. Himmult paces slowly around the group. "What if I told you that there was a way to return the world to how it was? A world where the only authority over man was the divine authority of the gods themselves?"
Joe: [OOC] Wait, did my sarcasm actually fork the event?
Dane: [GM] I was planning an evil monologue here. I just figured you guys gave me a good way of doing it.
Kyle: [OOC] Seems so.
Ian: [OOC] Oh I think I'm getting it.
Ian: [Mari Shasho] "A world where I wouldn't have to be a servant to some self-important bum with no day-job?"
Dane: [GM] "The Cult of the Creators can bring this world about. We can bring about a world where only gods and men exist. No nobles, no houses and no Imperia. Look around you! Every problem in this world rests at their feet and it is us,the lower classes who have to clean it up! War, poverty, crime!"
Joe: [GR-210] "I think me and the lads are on-board for this kind of project. We've been discussing ways of getting rid of the One-Armed Wonder over there for months!"
Dane: [GM] "Unleashing the wrath of the Creators in Colton was only a taste of what the divines can do. A corrupt mining town where the interests of the wealthy few ruled. It was a perfect test run."
Kyle: [OOC] I'd point out that everyone died horrifically regardless of social standing but I don't want to break his stride here.
Ian: [OOC] It's an evil monologue. I don't think you can stop it even if you wanted to.
Soo: [OOC] You're just having fun with this, aren't you?
Joe: [OOC] Oh a goddamn blast, babe.
Dane: [GM] Dr. Himmult smiles and walks over to Mari. "You are Lady d'Vostog's servant girl, are you not?"
Ian: [Mari Sasho] Mari nods. "I can't wait to end this world and usher in a new one!"
Kyle: [OOC] Can I go on record as stating that Mari is a very unconvincing cultist.
Ian: [OOC] Just trying to press our advantage here.
Dane: [GM] Dr. Himmult pulls out a small handgun. "Then I will allow you the honors. Take this and use it to usher in our perfect world."
Ian: [Mari Sasho] "Oh I have a shotgun, it's much better."
Dane: [GM] "No you idiot! I meant use it to shoot Lady d'Vostog! Free yourself and set this revolution in motion! Unless of course, you WANT to use the shotgun. I would be fine with that."
Soo: [OOC] I don't like where this is going.
Joe: [OOC] At least it's not Bailey. Knowing him and his rolls an execution-style shooting would take five clips and a lunchbreak.

Monday, March 10, 2014

81- On Your Own

Joe: [OOC] Well this is turning out to be a real pisser of a dungeon crawl. We got the magical thingy and we didn't even find a treasure room or anything.
Kyle: [OOC] Yeah, let's head back to the surface. I'd rather not dwell on the odds we blew up the valuables earlier.
Joe: [OOC] We'll just have to take consolation in the number of corpses we mutilated instead.
Soo: [OOC] Why are you guys so fixated on getting money anyway? Didn't you see my character sheet? Kali is rich enough to buy us all jetpacks and probably still have enough money leftover to hire OTHER adventurers to save the world while we use them.
Ian: [OOC] Obtaining loot is one of the primary forces in an RPG player's life Soo. It's the reason they exist.
Joe: [OOC] Birds fly, fish swim, Ian cries during sex and RPG players get loot.
Kyle: [Bailey Hunt] Bailey heads up back towards the surface. 
Soo: [Kali dVostog] Kali follows along.
Ian: [Mari Shasho] Mari tags along behind Kali and Bailey.
Joe: [GR-210] GR-210 forces Danielle to carry him AND THE WEIGHT OF ALL THIS DISAPPOINTMENT.
Dane: [GM] You get to the chamber you all climbed down into at the start, the single shaft of light illuminating the room from the hole at the top. Just then you hear a commotion outside.
Joe: [OOC] Hey I got it! We can sell the baton thing for money!
Ian: [OOC] We kind of need that to save the world.
Joe: [OOC] Right right... so let's sell it to someone and then steal it back!
Kyle: [OOC] If we're going to rob someone anyway, why would we sell them something first?
Joe: [OOC] I like the crazy way you think, lad.
Soo: [OOC] In the interests of Dane's sanity, I shall go check first.
Soo: [Kali dVostog] Kali climbs up to the surface, ignoring the fact she's got one arm and how awkward that probably is, and peeks around.
Ian: [OOC] We could use the baton as part of the plan. Put feelers out for who might want to buy it, so then we know who has lots of money on hand.
Joe: [OOC] I love it when a plan comes together.
Dane: [GM] No sooner has Kali gotten up to the surface than a man in an Imperial Army uniform lunges at her as she climbs out and tries to grab her!
Kyle: [OOC] I'm not sure how we should price it. It's Dane's made-up item so we can't use the gear and loot guidebook.
Dane: [GM] The soldier succeeds in grabbing Kali and yanks her up to the surface, a forearm around her neck and a pistol to her temple! Up on the stone platform is none other than Dr. Himmult from the antiquities department! "So sorry to have to do this in this fashion Lady d'Vostog, but my interests lie far beyond collecting pretty trinkets in the jungle..." Himmult is surrounded by no fewer than a dozen Imperial soldiers and you notice they're all wearing Old Velthri cult medallions.
Soo: [OOC] Gee, I sure can't wait for someone to help me.
Ian: [OOC] We could just look up an item of similar age and infer.
Joe: [OOC] And get short-changed? Nah let's find an NPC appraiser first.
Dane: [GM] I think you're on your own here Soo.
Soo: [OOC] Is it too late to convert to the crazy evil religion? I feel like it would be a step up.
Dane:[GM] Come in for a free personality test and you eventually might meet Tom Cruise at a mixer.

Friday, March 7, 2014

No Post Today - 3/7/14

Hello everyone. Unfortunately due to a personal matter that's been sucking up the last couple of days I do not have a post for today. Normally under these circumstances I would say that I'll post on Saturday or Sunday but looking at how things are going that seems highly unlikely, so I'm just going to have to say see you on Monday. Have a good weekend everyone.


Wednesday, March 5, 2014

80- Magical Thingy

Dane: [GM] The room beyond the door is full of stone statues. The statues depict men in armor and are life-sized. At the very center of the room is a stone altar with a single object on it: a rod made of gold, decorated with intricate rooms.
Soo: [OOC] Oh hey look, it's the thingy.
Joe: [OOC] What was it called again?
Kyle: [OOC] I actually don't remember. Form Baton?
Ian: [OOC] I think that's from the Wii WarioWare game.
Kyle: [OOC] Oh right. Yeah. Dane?
Dane: [GM] I'm trying to find what I called it in my notes. I actually kind of forgot. It's just a plot device and I think I just called it a stick in my notes.
Soo: [OOC] So none of us remember what this was called, even the guy who invented it.
Joe: [OOC] I'm deeming it to be the Magical Thingy, after Soo's name for it.
Dane: [GM] Unfortunately, I'm going to have to roll with you guys on that until I come up with the right name.
Joe: [OOC] But now on to more important business. Ian, if you'd be so kind...
Ian: [OOC] Service with a smile.
Ian: [Mari Shasho] Mari walks into the room and begins to wreck the statues with her fire magic one by one.
Ian: [OOC] Need rolls Dane?
Dane: [GM] Nah, inanimate objects and there's no time pressure, so we can just let it go.
Soo: [Kali dVostog] Kali jumps back a bit as Mari begins destroying the stonework. "What the?"
Kyle: [Bailey Hunt] Bailey nods. "Jus' a precaution ma'am."
Joe: [GR-210] "You see, the item we desire is in this room and is apparently unguarded save for these stone warriors. As a result it stands to reason that if we take the magical... thingy... they'll come to life and try to kill us."
Soo:[Kali dVostog] "Couldn't they just be statues?"
Joe: [GR-210] "Couldn't the life-sized statues of warriors just be statues. You're adorable."
Kyle: [Bailey Hunt] "Right then, my job now." Bailey walks over to the altar and ponders it for traps.
Dane: [GM] There don't appear to be any traps of a mechanical nature on the altar.
Kyle: [OOC] So the trap is probably magical. I'm going to suggest the Pull Out method.
Soo: [OOC] Care to elaborate?
Joe: [OOC] Pulling out, in addition to be a fool-proof form of birth control for stupid people, is also the best way to extricate a piece of loot you know damn well is trapped.
Kyle: [Bailey Hunt] Bailey takes off his hat and ties some of his rope around the crown of it, making a wide loop. He then places the hat sideways on altar and runs back with the ropes to the group. "Good to go. Mari! You 'bout done?"
Ian: [Mari Shasho] "All ready to go!"
Kyle: [Bailey Hunt] Bailey yanks the ropes, causing his hat to be pulled towards the group with the baton inside it.
Dane: [GM] As the rope-hat contraption yanks the baton away, a massive beam of magical energy blasts out of the altar. The top of Bailey's hat is singed as it gets clipped by the beam and the baton bounces along the floor and up to his feet. The chunks of the stone soldiers begin to wiggle but there's not enough intact of them for any of them to do anything beyond that. I hate you people.
Joe: [OOC] I feel like we should have a pit crew timer. We're getting good at this.
Soo: [OOC] Is there really a reason why I'm here?
Joe: [OOC] I think pit crews have someone who brings the cooler full of snacks.

Monday, March 3, 2014

79- Effing Welcome

Soo: [OOC] So is there an exit to this hallway?
Dane: [GM] The hallways ends in a door at the far end. Stone like the last one.
Kyle: [Bailey Hunt] Bailey ponders the door and checks it for a door opening mechanism.
Dane: [GM] Save you a roll since it's obvious. There's a handle right on the side of it.
Soo: [Kali dVostog] Kali walks over. "Hmm... I don't see a mechanism to unlock this one..."
Ian: [Mari Shasho] Mari pops her head over their shoulders. "Yeah. We had to find that face last time."
Joe: [GR-210] GR taps the door with his leg.
Dane: [GM] The door gives off the dull tapping of solid stone.
Kyle: [OOC] Hmm, the door handle is obvious, but the lock is hidden...
Joe: [OOC] I think we should get back to the surface and see if the expedition crew has any dynamite.
Ian: [OOC] Hmm, yeah. That way we don't have to worry about the lock OR any traps. Just blow the whole mess.
Dane: [GM] For the love of god...
Soo: [OOC] Yeah but we're pretty far under the temple. Do we really want to be blowing off charges? It could collapse on us.
Joe: [OOC] We need some kind of way of triggering the trap like last time.
Ian: [OOC] Yeah but I don't want to risk losing  my gun either. We'll need a fuse.
Soo: [OOC] Oh hey, I still have that minor teleportation spell. We could set the bombs and then light one extra stick and I can teleport it down here from the safety of the surface.
Dane: [GM] Well no, you can only teleport objects you can see to places you can also see. Also: for the love of god.
Kyle: [OOC] No problem. We an have Mari use magic to blast a small hole from here to the top of the temple. That way you can see the bombs down here.
Ian: [OOC] Yeah but if we have a hole, why even bother with Kali's magic and just drop it in?
Joe: [OOC] What if we go around outside the temple. Kill a bunch of stuff until we get an advancement and have someone spend the points on getting a follower who can just go in there with a torch and suicide the bombs. You know, Helm's Deep style.
Soo: [OOC] Somehow I think that would take more time than boring a hole to the top of the temple.
Dane: [GM] I can't effing believe you people.
Ian: [OOC] I'll crunch the numbers. It depends on the toughness of the stone, really.
Kyle: [OOC] You know, we didn't find any loot with those skeletons. Our swag might be in there. Maybe we should try disarming the lock on the door rather than blowing it up, now that I dwell on it.
Ian: [OOC] Good point.
Dane: [GM] THAT'S IT.
Dane: [Danielle] Danielle walks over to the door and pulls the handle. The door, WHICH WAS COMPLETELY UNLOCKED AND NEVER WAS LOCKED, swings open.
Soo: [OOC] Oh, gee. Thanks Dane!