Friday, February 28, 2014

78- Can't be Assed Combat

Dane: [GM] Anyhow, the stone staircase spirals down into a lower level of the temple, illuminated by those strange glowing stones from before.
Soo: [Kali dVostog] Kali walks down the stairs. "Stay behind me Mari, I think you've had enough close calls for the day."
Ian: [Mari Shasho] Mari nods with a smile.
Soo: [OOC] I figure Ian's right. Mage in front is a bad idea.
Kyle: [OOC] And one-armed person in front is?
Soo: [OOC] Do you want to be in front with your dice?
Kyle: [OOC] I think Kali is a great leader. I'm excited to be part of this group.
Joe: [GR-210] GR skitters down behind everyone else, despite having headlamp eyes that would probably be helpful.
Dane: [Danielle] Danielle walks quietly behind GR-210, keeping her rifle out now.
Kyle: [Bailey Hunt] Bailey follows along with the group, looking around.
Dane: [GM] The stairs spiral around for what feels like a couple of stories before letting out in a hallway. The walls here are also elaborately decorated with carvings like the ones upstairs.
Soo: [Kali dVostog] Kali looks at the stonework, pondering the design.
Dane: [GM] The carvings here depict a story of some sort. On one side of the hallway there's depictions of men and women being attacked by giant insects and fleeing. There are many images of death. The other side of the hall shows men and women charging toward the insects, led by a leader wielding a very fearsome looking sword. It must be of great importance to the image, as it is richly detailed.
Kyle: [OOC] Weren't we here looking for a wand or a baton or something that closes portals?
Ian: [OOC] Dammit we're getting a plot device ahead of ourselves.
Joe: [OOC] I look forward to finding out that the magic sword is powered by four elemental crystals, each guarded by a boss in a theme-dungeon.
Dane: [GM] SHUT UP.
Joe: [OOC] Sorry, I'm playing a Final Fantasy rom in another window, I'm in the vibe.
Ian: [Mari Shasho] Mari looks at the carvings along with Kali. "So I'm starting to see a theme here. You think maybe the Old Velthri folk summoned the bugs too and managed to beat them back?"
Joe: [GR-210] "The Old Velthri made the portals to contact their gods. Maybe they dialed the wrong number."
Joe: [OOC] This is why you playtest your trans-dimensional portals before releasing them.
Kyle: [Bailey Hunt] "Still, iffin' there's'a weapon fer fightin' these things. Maybe we oughta be lookin' fer that too."
Soo: [Kali dVostog] "It's a sword though. Even if it's magical and whatnot, I doubt it can outpace a massed exercise of modern military force."
Ian: [Mari Shasho] Mari kind of stares blankly at Kali.
Soo: [Kali dVostog] Kali sighs with a smile and ruffles Mari's hair. "I don't think a sword can't be improved upon by using some tanks and infantry. Why don't we focus on collecting evidence that the bug threat is real so we can get the Imperial military to help."
Kyle: [OOC] I hate being in a situation where OOC I know damn well why we can't but IC I can't find a reason to disagree.
Soo: [OOC] How so?
Ian: [OOC] Two reasons really: for one, magical swords solve EVERYTHING. Literally everything. Even if we have an entirely sensible plan, it will be doomed to failure without the magical plot device now that it's been introduced. Just because the armies of Rohan and Gondor are marching on Mordor doesn't mean we can get away with not chucking the One Ring into Mt. Doom. 
Soo: [OOC] And number two?
Joe: [OOC] Your idea implies using massed combat: fights between large groups of soldiers.
Soo: [OOC] And what's wrong with that?
Dane: [GM] Soo, I'll send you the official Eldaria rules for massed combat.
Soo: [OOC] It's still loading...
Soo: [OOC] Is a terabyte a lot of data?
Kyle: [OOC] And that's only the text version. The illustrated PDF was so large it gained sentience and killed three game designers.
Soo: [OOC] So in other words, I don't have a month of vacation time available, so I can't learn the massed combat rules?
Ian: [OOC] A month? I didn't know you were a speed-reader.
Joe: [OOC] The rules for massed combat are so obtuse and long no one ever uses them and instead we find ways of solving the plot on a smaller scale to avoid having to learn at all. I call our massed combat alternative "Can't be Assed Combat".
Ian: [OOC] They say there was a group that got involved in a massed combat campaign.
Soo: [OOC] What happened to them?
Kyle: [OOC] They say that they played with the rules under a mangrove tree for two hundred years. When they reached the 200th year, and the first round of combat was actually complete, they all transcended to a higher plane of existence leaving behind only relics of graph paper and a half-eaten bowl of Cheetos.

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

77- Spellrammer

Dane: [Skeleton 3, in good health] Skeleton 3 retaliates the attack that just missed him by swinging his weapon at Mari.
Joe: [OOC] Skeleton 3? He's just sort of going by the number now?
Ian: [OOC] I love how it retaliates towards something Kali did by attacking Mari.
Soo: [OOC] It's the restless dead Ian, I don't think it's that critical on a strategic level.
Dane: [GM] You know my personal dislike of writing combat text, don't aggravate it.
Dane: [GM] However the strike swings wide.
Kyle: [OOC] Okay Dane is kind of running on fumes here, let's just wrap this up quickly.
Joe: [GR-210] GR-210 tries to bash his metal head into the skeleton who has now formally adopted '3' as a name.
Dane: [GM] GR bounces into the skeleton's leg, knocking it down into a kneel.
Kyle: [OOC] Ancient warriors who work on the job for thousands of years only to be reduced to featureless skeletons identified only by a number. There's a social commentary in here somewhere.
Soo: [OOC] Freaking ancient temple builders. They're the 1%.
Dane: [Danielle] Danielle fires off another shot at that skeleton GR-210 just hit.
Dane: [GM] However this shot misses.
Kyle: [OOC] We're trying our best here Dane, we really are.
Ian: [Mari Shasho] Mari swings her shotgun around and aims it as Skeleton 3. "This'll end ya!" she yells as she fires.
Dane: [GM] Thank Gygax, it hits and the skeleton explodes.
Ian: [OOC] Somehow I feel like a wizard blowing up a skeleton with a shotgun should have been more fulfilling.
Joe: [OOC] It's not always satisfying Ian. Sometimes it's the best thing in the world, other times you just roll over, go to sleep and make the GM some breakfast in the morning.
Kyle: [OOC] What aspect of tabletop gaming can you not equate to sex?
Joe: [OOC] Absolutely no part. Me and the wife retool old adventure modules into erotic escapades as a form of foreplay. Spellrammer was particularly good.
Kyle: [OOC] Don't you mean Spelljammer?
Joe: [OOC] No, no I don't.
Dane: [GM] Aaaand you've successfully made me want to pay more attention to the combat. Anything to avoid thinking about this conversation.
Joe: [OOC] Service with a smile bro.
Dane: [Skeleton 4] The last skeleton charges in a berserk fashion up toward Bailey.
Kyle: [Bailey Hunt] Bailey levels his pistol at this skeleton and fires off a round.
Dane: [GM] The shot smashes through the center of the skeleton's ribcage and severs the spinal cord. The whole lot smashes to the ground in a dusty mess.
Soo: [Kali dVostog] Kali sighs with relief. "If I could clap, I would. Good show."
Kyle: [Bailey Hunt] Bailey tips his hat with a smirk.
Soo: [OOC] Two kills in one combat might be a record for him, so I figured I'd be nice.
Ian: [Mari Shasho] Mari runs back up to the group and gives Kali a hug. "Okay so we're all sufficiently scared now. What's next?"
Dane: [GM] As the last skeleton collapses, a hollow, howling noise wafts through the chamber and the stones of the central depression in the room begin to rumble and move. They eventually reconfigure into a set of stairs leading downward.
Ian: [OOC] *Legend of Zelda secret passage noise*
Joe: [GR-210] "Ah! I see! Load-bearing skeletons. The classic method of tomb security."

Monday, February 24, 2014

76- Cosmically Predisposed to Failure

Ian: [OOC] Okay my turn yes?
Ian: [Mari Shasho] Mari tries to sweep the legs of the skeleton that's looming over her. 
Dane: [GM] Okay but there's going to be a penalty for trying since you're prone.
Ian: [OOC] Yep, I know.
Dane: [GM] Mari performs a surprisingly agile low spin, knocking the skeleton not only prone but knocking its legs clean off as well.
Dane: [Skeleton 4, in good health] The fourth skeleton charges past Mari and GR, lured by the loud sound of Danielle's last sniper rifle shot.
Kyle: [OOC] We should let them fight. See whose soulless killing machine is tougher.
Dane: [Skeleton 5, limb shot off] The fifth skeleton closes the gap with Kali and seeks revenge for it's lost arm!
Joe: [OOC] Ooh! Now our one-limbed characters are fighting. We have to find a male skeleton playing a female skeleton to fight Mari, a skull on legs to fight me and a uselessly incompetent skeleton with an accent to fight Bailey and we're set.
Dane: [GM] The skeleton raises it's own shattered arm and smacks Kali across the face with it, it's bony hand slapping her face hard! One moderate wound Soo.
Ian: [OOC] I'm concerned for your character Soo, but there's no way I can't visualize that being funny.
Soo: [OOC] I kind of added a cartoon sound effect to that too.
Soo: [Kali dVostog] Kali staggers about, woozy. "By the rules of polite etiquette, I do believe we have to duel now sir!" she mutters in a punch-drunk way as she flops about.
Ian: [Mari Shasho] Mari yells up the hallway "Kali!"
Kyle: [Bailey Hunt] Bailey lowers his pistol at that skeleton. "I challenge you sir!" he yells sarcastically. He then fires at it.
Dane: [GM] The skeleton's head explodes and the bones of the body collapse in a pile. The bone fragments cut at Bailey and Kali but not anywhere near enough for damage.
Kyle: [Bailey Hunt] Bailey smirks to himself. "Ya'll right miss Kali?"
Soo: [Kali dVostog] Kali raises a finger in the air. "And now my honor has been preserved! Waiter! Another bottle of merlot for the table!" she mumbles before flopping against the wall.
Dane: [GM] Actually it's Kali's turn now. The two skeletons above her in initiative are down.
Soo: [OOC] Aw, I have to do something? I was having fun with that injury. There's two left and they're both fine, so I guess I shoot whichever one will be sooner in the turn order.
Dane: [GM] And the winner is Skeleton 3.
Soo: [Kali dVostog] Kali raises her pistol up from her position slumped on the wall and fires off a shot at the third skeleton.
Dane: [GM] The shot flies wide and misses pretty much everything.
Ian: [OOC] Kind of had to happen.
Joe: [OOC] Yeah. Kyle succeeded in a roll. The universe needed to balance itself out.
Kyle: [OOC] Math not withstanding I'm not really sure how I feel about me being cosmically predisposed to failure.
Joe: [OOC] I'm a firm believer in the flexible nature of fate. The cosmos bounces back to fix irregularities. You get a good roll when you should always fail, so Soo gets a bad roll to balance it out.
Ian: [OOC] So what about that time a couple turns ago when you were actually helpful to me?
Kyle: [OOC] I'll go to the net and see if any wars started in the last ten minutes.

Friday, February 21, 2014

75- Ian Making Out With Batman

Dane: [Skeleton 5, in good health] The last skeleton roars in an unearthly fashion and drops down nearly to all-fours. It begins to charge up the hallway toward the group!
Kyle: [OOC] Finally, my freaking turn.
Kyle: [Bailey Hunt] Bailey whips out his pistols and shoots off a shot at the fifth skeleton as it approaches.
Dane: [GM] Unfortunately, Bailey's shots go wide and miss the skeleton, clipping the stonework around it.
Joe: [OOC] And what a freaking turn it was.
Dane: [GM] Top of the turn order now.
Dane: [Skeleton 1, in good health] The first skeleton jumps forward towards Mari and GR-210, attempting to swat at GR from his perch on Mari.
Dane: [GM] And succeeds at doing so! It slaps the small robot off of Mari, causing it to bounce to the ground. One minor wound Joe and GR is prone.
Joe: [GR-210] GR rolls around in anger. "My fury shall be unending!"
Dane: [GM] Skeleton 2 is dead(er) so Kali is up again.
Soo: [Kali dVostog] Kali tries to fire off another shot at the skeleton that was charging up the hallway (no. 5). 
Dane: [GM] While the shot is not lethal, it blasts the bone in the skeleton's upper arm, causing it to fall off and shatter. The skeleton is now disarmed as that was the arm it was holding its weapon in.
Soo: [OOC] I feel like there's a one-liner in this that I'm missing.
Joe: [OOC] Kali is so pissed about losing her arm that she psychotically de-limbs other characters to make herself feel better. It works a little but she knows she'll never be complete again.
Soo: [OOC] Hey! Stop adding depth and complexity to my character.
Joe: [GR-210] GR hops back up to his spider-leg-feet and bristles angrily.
Joe: [OOC] Gotta use the turn to get out of prone.
Dane: [Danielle] Danielle has set herself up and fires a shot from her sniper rifle down the hall. The tight quarters and load noise echo painfully as the bullet whizzes past everyone's heads and goes for the skeleton that smacked GR!
Dane: [GM] And it finds its mark! The skeleton explodes in a puff of bone shards!
Dane: [Danielle] Danielle just quietly sighs and mutters. "All is from dust and to dust all returns."
Joe: [OOC] Is it wrong to want to go make out with your own NPC.
Soo: [OOC] Yes and the only thing worse would be doing it while we all have to read it.
Joe: [OOC] Don't be silly, I wouldn't make you all read it. I would probably just make a large number of illustrations and give them to you.
Kyle: [OOC] Like that time you posted a drawing of Ian making out with Batman on the bathroom wall of the comic shop?
Ian: [OOC] I had forgotten about that, thanks for digging up a wound Kyle.
Joe: [OOC] Oh stop whining Ian, that was the best birthday you ever had.
Soo: [OOC] The degree of disgust I have for this moment has a lot to do with human decency but a lot more to do with the quality of the artwork and the narrative of it.
Ian: [OOC] Soo... Soo... not you too...
Soo: [OOC] *Ian-hug* I'm just trying to be part of the group. You think it's easy fufilling my sole duty as "person who gets disgusted by group antics"?
Joe: [OOC] Yeah Ian, we're a community, a family. You're suffering is just the glue that holds it together, like a late relatives estate money or a parent's secret marital problem.
Soo: [OOC] On second thought, I think I'll just go back to defending Ian. That side of the game seems a bit thin.

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

74- Dirty Inside

Dane: [Skeleton 3, in good health] The third skeleton runs at the group, swinging at Mari since she is closest. Despite lacking a throat of any description it lets out an unearthly howling roar!
Dane: [GM] Which connects, cutting a line along Mari's shoulder. One minor wound Ian.
Ian: [Mari Shasho] Mari grabs her bleeding arm and screams behind clenched teeth.
Dane: [GM] Okay, Joe's up.
Joe: [GR-210] GR putters around indecisively.
Joe: [OOC] Um, I think I'm just going to use my turn to ready an action. If something else gets knocked down, I'm going to jump on it and get an action in.
Soo: [OOC] Wait, you're skipping making a direct attack? YOU?
Joe: [OOC] You know, I never really noticed until now how much I've been limited by having my "head with spider legs" body shape. We haven't been in a real melee since it happened and every other fight we've had has resolved quickly or at range. To be honest I just don't actually know what to do. I doubt I can do much damage and even if I could, I'd be exposing myself to a lot of punishment I can't take.
Kyle: [OOC] Holy horse-shit.
Ian: [OOC] I know right?
Joe: [OOC] Yes, it would seem that being deprived of the ability to go completely ape-shit on everything we encounter might, indeed force me to think more constructively. Like a man who goes blind and learns to play piano.
Soo: [OOC] Wow, I'm kind of surprised myself Joe. Maybe it's for the best we all forgot I was supposed to be getting you a new body back in the city.
Joe: [OOC] Wait! We were? Oh yeah! You stupid piece of crap! I'm missing out on combat!
Ian: [OOC] Aaaaand we're back.
Dane: [Danielle] Danielle's turn comes up and she takes a step back towards the entrance to the hallway, pulling out her rifle. 
Dane: [GM] I had it packed in her bag so this will take a turn. Ian is up.
Ian: [Mari Shasho] Mari attempts to disengage from the skeleton who attacked her and get back to the safety of the group.
Dane: [GM] Unfortunately Mari fails to disengage and skeleton has the ability "Merciless Suppression" which knocks people who fail to disengage prone. Mari flops to the ground on her bum.
Soo: [Kali dVostog] "Mari! Hold on!"
Dane: [Skeleton 4, in good health] The next skeleton raises it's weapon and lunges for Mari as well!
Ian: [OOC] You know, maybe being a wizard and being the front person in a narrow hallway is one of those historical bad RPG ideas.
Joe: [OOC] I think we're forgetting something.
Soo: [OOC] Are we?
Joe: [OOC] I readied an action to pounce and attack when SOMETHING gets knocked down, I never said an enemy.
Ian: [OOC] Are you shitting me?
Joe: [OOC] You can't possibly find this that unbelievable.
Kyle: [OOC] I swear I'm just going to shoot you.
Dane: [GM] As dumb as this is, he did technically leave it that vague. Go ahead.
Soo: [OOC] They haven't invented a word for what you are Joe.
Joe: [GR-210] GR jumps forward and lands on Mari's chest. He raises his bladed limbs up and then... flashes his headlamps at the attacking skeleton!
Joe: [OOC] I said 'and get an action in' as my ready action, not specifically that I would attack.
Dane: [GM] Um, wow, let me do some rolls.
Dane: [GM] The skeleton is temporarily blinded by the bright flash of light!
Soo: [OOC] Did you just power-game... helpfully?
Joe: [OOC] Like I'd ever completely skip a turn in combat. You hurt me Soo.
Kyle: [OOC] I'm going to go buy some lottery tickets. Skip my turns...
Ian: [OOC] I mean... shit... thanks Joe.
Joe: [OOC] No please, no thanks. I feel dirty inside as it is.
Ian: [OOC] Dane, read the message I'm sending you privately.
Dane: [GM] ... okay I can do that. 
Dane: [GM] But the weight of GR jumping on Mari and the sharpness of his legs cause her to take one minor wound!
Ian: [Mari Shasho] Mari lets out a pain 'hurk!' noise as she's stabbed by all of GR's limbs.
Ian: [OOC] Feel better?
Joe: [OOC] A little, thanks.

Monday, February 17, 2014

73- The Screaming Restless Dead

Dane: [GM] Okay let's talk numbers here. There are five skeleton warriors that you can see in the room. Going to just number them after we do initiative for simplicity. Roll bitches!
Dane: [GM] Okay, so it's going to be Skeleton 1, Skeleton 2, Kali, Skeleton 3, GR-210, Danielle, Mari, Skeleton 4, Skeleton 5, Bailey.
Kyle: [OOC] Ugg, how low was the roll?
Dane: [GM] If logic would allow it, Bailey would spontaneously fall into a coma.
Kyle: [OOC] Dammit.
Dane: [Skeleton 1, in good health] The skeleton warrior charges at Mari since she's the closest thing, swinging his obsidian-edged weapon with howling fury!
[Dane] However he misses Mari narrowly!
Ian: [OOC] Ninja Shotgun Wizard!
Soo: [OOC] 'In good health'?
Dane: [GM] I was having a hard time keeping track of massed combat since all the enemies have similar names, so I got an addon that let's me mark their health status to differentiate them.
Soo: [OOC] Oh I see, so in good health for the SCREAMING RESTLESS DEAD.
Joe: [OOC] Oh yes, get an addon. Certainly easier than making encounters memorable and interesting events. Just shove a number on each of the faceless masses like a Soviet bread line.
Dane: [GM] And to that, I offer the following rebuttal:
Dane: [Skeleton 2, in good health] The second skeleton runs right past Mari up the hall towards GR-210, not quite reaching him but making his intent clear.
Joe: [OOC] Ack save me! Soo it's your turn. Lose your character's other arm to save me!
Soo: [Kali dVostog] Kali whips out her pistol and draws a bead on skeleton number two. She snaps off a shot.
Dane: [GM] The small-calibur pistol finds its mark and shatters the skeleton's head. It falls to the ground as a loose assortment of bones!
Soo: [OOC] I guess that was his... *puts on shades* Last Crusade.
Kyle: [OOC] Hon, if you're going to double-dip references, I'd keep it to things that are recent.
Soo: [OOC] Yeah but the CSI thing is kind of a meme, so I figured it was preserved by way of Internet longevity. And I figured pre-prequel trilogy LucasArts was covered under the Timeless Media Reference category.
Ian: [OOC] We may have to consult the handbook on this one.
Joe: [OOC] I have a motion before the Board of Acceptable Referential Humor next week to petition for an extension on an Steve Urkel sex joke, I can piggy-back the legislation if you want.
Dane: [GM] Shut up and fight to the death! Combat takes too damn long in this system to begin with!

Author's Note: The temptation to name this post "Steve Urkel Sex Joke" just to see what kind of internet traffic it generated was nearly overwhelming.

Friday, February 14, 2014

72- The Temple of the Giant Scab

Kyle: [Bailey Hunt] Bailey rolls up his sleeve and shoulders the stone door to push it open.
Dane: [GM] The door swings open easier than you would expect but not so fast as to warrant a totally-deserved flop to the ground for Bailey. Interestingly, while the first couple of feet are dark, the rest of the hallway before you is illuminated by strange glowing stones. They hum gently, letting out slightly-flickering like like small candles.
Joe: [OOC] Translation: Dane doesn't want to deal with calculating illumination, so here.
Dane: [GM] Shut up, it's a bitch.
Ian: [Mari Shasho] Mari steps into the hallway, looking down at that little channel in the stone we were following.
Dane: [GM] The channel leads down the hallway to some sort of open space.
Soo: [Kali dVostog] Kali runs her hand along the ground. "I'd suppose this was some sort of ritual space. I bet this hallway is at a slight decline so fluid could flow through this channel."
Joe: [GR-210] GR skitters in, looking proper despite having paint left on his head. "I love how you say fluid when it was obviously blood. Freaking savages."
Soo: [Kali dVostog] "You were dancing around with a human skull for no reason not a minute ago."
Joe: [GR-210] "I was merely attempting to liven the mood so that our womenfolk didn't grow anxious. You know how they are." He looks around. "Speaking of womenfolk, Danielle, get over here and clean this paint off."
Dane: [Danielle] Danielle stops down and picks up GR-210, then begins to wipe off all the paint. "I shall clean you like new, Master. If only the soul could be cleansed of sin so efficiently..."
Kyle: [OOC] Eventually Danielle is just going to admit to drowning puppies or something and I'll feel like I can kill her without affecting my alignment.
Ian: [Mari Shasho] Mari walks down the hallway, looking around. "As much hypocrisy as that statement contained, GR is probably right. My guess is they practiced human sacrifice in that first room, then the blood drained through that channel like the gods were drinking it or something."
Joe: [OOC] Which means that the next room probably has a massive pool of human blood in it! I call firsts!
Soo: [OOC] I imagine if it did, it would be long since dried out.
Joe: [OOC] Logically yes, but this is a story and "The Temple of the Kickass Pool of Human Blood" is a bit more compelling than "The Temple of the Giant Scab".
Ian: [Mari Shasho] Mari sticks her head into the room at the end of the hallway.
Kyle: [OOC] First rule of adventuring Ian! Never explore a room with a part of the body you can't afford to lose.
Dane: [GM] The room before you is huge. It has to take up much, if not all of the space on this level of the pyramid and is at least 50 yards across. Elaborate carvings surround the room and the channel in the floor ends in a great, bowl-like depression in the floor which is stained a dark brown color for centuries of bloodshed.
Joe: [OOC] It's not a pool of blood OR a scab? I feel cheated.
Dane: [GM] Much more pressingly, human skeletons in ancient ceremonial garb lay in the bowl. As Mari sticks her head in they begin to rattle in an unearthly way! They rise slowly, hefting wicked wooden weapons with obsidian chips for blades!
Joe: [OOC] I rescind my prior complaint. Make filthy bearded love to me, Dane.
Dane: [GM] No.
Joe: [OOC] Please? I'll let you wear a wig and call you Danielle.
Dane: [GM] I'll decapitate you and call you GR-210.
Joe: [OOC] I like where this is going. Can Ian be a naughty police officer?
Soo: [OOC] Ian, I'm coming over to your place with a gun. I think you need protection.

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

71- Mister Fancy Head

Kyle: [Bailey Hunt] Bailey climbs down the shaft to meet up with Kali and GR-210. He's got his lantern out and turns it on as he gets to the bottom. "Well... this'ere's a bit ugly..."
Joe: [GR-210] GR calls up the shaft. "Danielle! Stop making out with Mari and get down here!"
Dane: [Danielle] Danielle immediately stops fighting with Mari and rushes down the shaft. "Right away my lord!"
Ian: [Mari Shasho] Mari shakes some dirt off of herself and climbs down last. "Truly this is a culture with a deep and complex society..."
Joe: [OOC] I know there's carvings of bodies, but are there any actual corpses laying around?
Dane: [GM] Upon closer inspection of the decor, you realize that the skulls lining the room are actual human skulls painted with red, shiny paint to resemble fresh blood.
Joe: [OOC] Smashing!
Joe: [GR-210] GR quickly runs over to the skulls, selects the prettiest one and puts it on top of his head. "Look at me! I'm Mister Fancy Head! Doodly-doodly-doo!" GR-210 begins to dance around in a very silly fashion.
Soo: [Kali dVostog] Kali sighs tiredly. "Clearly history has been a straightforward march toward enlightenment."
Dane: [Danielle] Danielle claps nervously. "B... be careful master! That might not be clean!"
Kyle: [Bailey Hunt] Bailey looks around. "Gotta be way outta this room 'sides goin' back up."
Dane: [GM] The floor has a channel in it running toward one of the walls. The wall has a seam on it so you could surmise that it's a door.
Ian: [Mari Shasho] Mari walks over to the door and gives it a shove.
Dane: [GM] The door doesn't budge, it seems locked.
Kyle: [OOC] And I'm guessing the locking mechanism isn't obvious or you would have mentioned it?
Dane: [GM] Yep.
Soo: [Kali dVostog] Kali looks around at the door. "There must be something to open it..."
Joe: [GR-210] GR contributes by continuing to dance with the skull on his head. "Mister Fancy Head is a friend to all the children!"
Soo: [OOC] Can I roll or something to check for doors?
Ian: [OOC] Yeah.
Soo: [OOC] Can I roll to avoid punting GR-210 into a wall?
Dane: [GM] I don't force rolls for tolerating Joe. It would slow the game down too much too often.
Dane: [GM] Kali finds that one of the carved, anguished human figures on the wall has a hole in it's mouth. It's not much to go on, but it's something.
Soo: [Kali dVostog] Kali looks at the hole. "Maybe we can pick a lock in there, or shove something inside and trigger the mechanism. I mean, how much could these ancients have known about locks?"
Ian: [OOC] They built a complex flamethrower-based trap that killed like 20 people. I think they can figure out a deadbolt.
Kyle: [OOC] Which gives me an idea.
Kyle: [Bailey Hunt] Bailey pulls out one of his revolvers. "Good thing I brought a lockpick." He shoves the barrel into the carving's mouth and fires off a shot.
Dane: [GM] There's the sound of something stone breaking inside the lock and the door grinds open slightly.
Soo: [OOC] I kind of meant a literal lockpick.
Ian: [OOC] Are we going to solve a problem in this adventure by means other than shoving a gun in something's mouth?
Kyle: [OOC] There really aren't that many problems it can't solve.
Joe: [GR-210] "A friend to all the children~!"
Dane: [Danielle] Danielle claps along as GR dances and sings.
Kyle: [OOC] And that would be one of the ones that it can't.
Soo: [OOC] To be fair, that skulls is from someone long dead, so this is kind of an improvement for Joe.

Monday, February 10, 2014

70- Step Forward

Soo: [Kali dVostog] Kali walks back up to the top of the pyramid, or what's left of it.
Dane: [GM] The pyramid has been blown open by about two levels. Any rooms that might have been on those floors are now unrecognizable rubble. You see a small trap door, blown partially off its hinges, in the middle of the wreckage.
Kyle: [Bailey Hunt] "Wasn't there a trap'der on the top when we started?" Bailey comments as she walks up to the top.
Joe: [OOC] Translation: Dane doesn't feel like redesigning the place on the fly so we're going in the same way and just skipping some floors.
Dane: [GM] SHUT UP. And yes.
Kyle: [Bailey Hunt] Bailey kicks the trap door, trying to shove it aside with his boot.
Dane: [GM] The door brushes aside easily. A dark descent looms below you. There are stones ledges sticking out of the shaft that serve as a ladder of sorts. You cannot see the bottom.
Joe: [GR-210] GR-210 skitters close to the edge and looks down. "So whose going to step forward and get down there first? I recommend Bailey as he is the least useful and most expendable."
Ian: [Mari Shasho] Mari looks down the hole. "Seems deep..."
Kyle: [Bailey Hunt] Bailey hums as he thinks for a moment then steps forward... to kick GR down the chute.
Joe: [OOC] Son of a bitch!
Dane: [GM] GR-210 flings down the shaft, bouncing his metal head along the walls as he falls. He hits the ground with a metallic clank. One minor wound Joe.
Kyle: [Bailey Hunt] "Fig'ure he's got his little headlamp eye's n' all... Also it was funny."
Joe: [OOC] Son of a double bitch!
Dane: [Danielle] Danielle watches this all happen then dives at the hole, nearly falling into it herself. "Master!" She then gets up and takes a swing at Kyle, enraged.
Soo: [OOC] And now the minor gag spirals invariably out of control.
Dane: [GM] However, Danielle misses.
Ian: [Mari Shasho] Mari tackles Danielle and tries to calm her down.
Joe: [OOC] You've backstabbed me, fermented anarchy and stalled the game all over a minor slight. I've taught you well Kyle.
Dane: [GM] Mari successfully pins Danielle down.
Soo: [Kali dVostog] "GR! Say something to your damn maid!"
Joe: [GR-210] GR-210 calls up from the depths. "Danielle! I'm fine... but keep trying to hurt them anyway. It would please me."
Soo: [OOC] Is there going to be an issue with Kali climbing down this chute with one arm Dane?
Dane: [GM] It's fairly narrow, she can push her back against the far wall. So I'll let it slide.
Soo: [OOC] Perfect then.
Soo: [Kali dVostog] "GR! I'm coming down there and personally kicking you into a wall!" She begins to descend.
Joe: [OOC] A wizard chick is wrestling with a French maid on top of a Mayan pyramid. This is so going into my romance novel.
Kyle: [OOC] This kind of warrants the Benny Hill theme.
Dane: [GM] Ya know, there was supposed to be a trap here, but I think you're doing a great job all by yourselves.
Soo: [Kali dVostog] Kali gets down the chute and looks around in the dark. "GR? Come out! I'm only going to brutalize you, not kill you."
Joe: [GR-210] GR turns on his eye-lamps and tries to blind Kali. "NINJA OF THE NIGHT!"
Dane: [GM] As soon as the room is illuminated you are assaulted on all sides with horrific images of human sacrifice and slaughter. The very stone in this room has been carved to resemble writhing corpses. Red paint looks like slick blood in the illumination.
Soo: [Kali dVostog] Kali is briefly startled by all of that stuff Dane just described.
Joe: [OOC] Smooth RPing there.
Soo: [OOC] Shut up.
Soo: [Kali dVostog] "Um... guys... I think you need to see this."
Kyle: [Bailey Hunt] Bailey is still up top, watching Mari and Danielle wrestle. He's started to smoke. "Miss, I'm thinkin' I'm seein' all I need to be seein'."
Ian: [OOC] I feel like Bailey's one step forward has been somewhat less progress-oriented than would be expected.

Friday, February 7, 2014

69- Worst Archaeologists Ever

Ian: [Mari Shasho] Mari runs into the shrine while applying a Flame Ward spell to herself.
Ian: [OOC] Roll for casting while busy.
Dane: [GM] As Mari enters the shrine she is surrounded by a faint glimmer of magic as she protects herself from fire. The inside of the shrine is surprisingly tiny and much of it is filled with the charred bodies of the expedition workers. Ahead of you in the center of the space is a wooden trapdoor in the floor. Ringing the small room are stone statues of dragons, their mouths smoking. You surmise that the trap must have shot fire from the stone dragons. The air reeks of a petrochemical smell that must have been the fuel burning.
Soo: [Kali dVostog] Kali runs up to the shrine and looks in. "Are you alright in there Ma-" She is cut short by the grisly sight of all the burned bodies and holds her sleeve up to her face and backs out quickly.
Kyle: [Bailey Hunt] Bailey catches up to the group and yanks Kali back by her shirt collar. "Keep back'ere. We don't know if'n that trap was a one-time thing..."
Joe: [GR-210] "Indeed we don't! Quickly Mari, try to trigger it again!"
Ian: [OOC] Somehow I'm not thinking that's such a good idea.
Joe: [OOC] You've got a flame ward on!
Ian: [OOC] Yeah but in general springing traps using a wizard just goes against my better judgement.
Dane: [Danielle] Danielle looks around aimlessly. "So much death... is there no end to horrific carnage of life?" She then sort of wanders around muttering about dust.
Soo: [OOC] Wait a sec. Danielle gave me an idea!
Kyle: [OOC] Shit she's being inspired by Danielle. Ian! Go to Soo's house and make sure she doesn't own any knives.
Ian: [OOC] Heading there now!
Soo: [OOC] No, no, hear me out.
Soo: [Kali dVostog] "Actually Danielle... that just might be the ticket! Go down to the truck and ask them if they have a flare and a shotgun we can use!"
Joe: [OOC] Guys... I'm a married man and all but I'm just going to say any time a woman comes up with a plan that requires a flaming stick of magnesium and a shotgun, I get a little bit stiff.
Kyle: [OOC] And now I'm both intrigues AND sickened.
Dane: [Danielle] Danielle comes back with a shotgun and a road flare. "This is all they could provide."
Joe: [GR-210] "We'll kill Bailey with the shotgun then stick the road flare in his mouth to make a fanciful torch! I love it!"
Soo: [Kali dVostog] Kali takes the items. "Mari, since you're safer in there than us, come and take these. Put the road flare into one of the dragon mouths and then shove the barrel of the shotgun in there as well. We'll tie a bit of the huge amount of rope everyone brought to the trigger."
Ian: [Mari Shasho] Mari does as she's told and gets a smirk on her face as she gets the idea of what's going on.
Joe: [GR-210] GR-210 retreats to midway down the pyramid's stairs. "I call shotgun on firing the shotgun!"
Soo: [Kali dVostog] Kali joins GR-210. "By all means, doctor."
Kyle: [Bailey Hunt] Bailey runs down to you guys holding his hat as he jogs.
Ian: [Mari Shasho] Mari is last down. "It's all set up miss! Fire in the hole!"
Joe: [GR-210] GR tugs the rope! "Now I become death, the destroyer of plot obstacles!"
Dane: [GM] Danielle is the last down just before you pull the cord. The shotgun fire and shoves the flare, now ignited, down the dragon mouth to the fuel reservoir of the trap. There is silence for a moment and then suddenly the entire top of the pyramid explodes violently! Chunks of carved stone and corpses rain from the sky all over the place. Several trucks are damaged by falling debris and bodies.
Soo: [OOC] I figure the fastest way to disarm a trap was to remove it's fuel. I didn't expect that much.
Ian: [OOC] Have I mentioned that I love you?
Soo: [OOC] You could stand to more often.
Joe: [OOC] I'd jump on you two for that, but I think I'm mid-climax from this idea.
Kyle: [OOC] We are the worst archaeologists ever, but in the best way possible.

Wednesday, February 5, 2014

68- One Life to Pointlessly Waste

Dane: [GM] The workers are running screaming from the area.
Joe: [OOC] Maybe we should do some intimidation-based rolls to scare them back in line.
Ian: [OOC] Why? They don't seem like competent workers in the first place, seeing as they set off booby traps so fast  we didn't even have time to dwell on it.
Joe: [OOC] Exactly. Being that incompetent is an asset. We need to save a couple to set off traps later on too.
Soo: [OOC] That seems a little crass.
Joe: [OOC] What? Nameless hirelings are the currency of adventuring.
Kyle: [OOC] It is true what they say Soo: behind every great tabletop gaming hero is a long line of dead NPCs.
Ian: [OOC] And by that logic, we're the greatest gamers in history.
Soo: [Kali dVostog] Kali runs towards the stairs to the shrine that everyone is fleeing from. "Everyone just calm down! Calm down!"
Joe: [GR-210] "They're on fire, lass. I don't think they're going to listen."
Ian: [Mari Shasho] Mari whips up a brief spell to pull the flames off of the men, wading them up into a ball over her head.
Ian: [OOC] Flame siphon, Dane. We're not in combat so can I skip the roll?
Dane: [GM] By all means. The fire is pulled off of the men, extinguishing them. The fire now roils in a sphere over Mari's head.
Kyle: [Bailey Hunt] "Well look'a that! Mari can do somethin' with fire besides lightin' people up."
Ian: [Mari Shasho] Mari tosses the fire into the middle distance. "I've got talents."
Dane: [GM] The fireball streaks off over the tree-line and lands somewhere nearby with a deep roar. If this were even slightly less humid, you'd probably have just started a forest fire.
Ian: [OOC] I've really got to think about how I dispose of those.
Kyle: [OOC] Humanity- 1, Parrots- 0.
Joe: [GR-210] GR begins to skitter up the stairs. "Come on Danielle. The others may have to be cautious but I have your life to throw away. Let's get in there!"
Dane: [Danielle] Danielle jogs behind GR-210, looking concerned. "Let me get in front of you master, or else I may not be able to discard my life at a moment's notice for you!"
Soo: [OOC] I kind of miss when GR used to sound sort of like a robot. It helped mask the inherent callous evil of being played by Joe.
Dane: [GM] The top of the stairs is dominated by a small shrine-like structure. Around the outside are the freshly burned corpses of the workers who got here first and the smells and smoke of burned flesh waft from inside like a crematorium. It seems whatever burned the miners was inside and triggered as they entered.
Joe: [GR-210] "Hmm, a complex puzzle to solve... allow me to offer the following tactical solution: Danielle! Get in there and roll around on the floor with the corpses till you set off the trap.
Dane: [Danielle] "My only regret is that I have one life to pointlessly and childishly waste for you, Master."
Ian: [Mari Shasho] Mari runs up the stairs. "Wait! I have a spell that gives me temporary fire immunity. Let me go in first."
Kyle: [OOC] As much as I really want Danielle to die, my inner-gamer feels like that makes more sense.
Joe: [OOC] Bu.. but! Throwing NPC followers into traps is their destiny! It's like a baby turtle hatching and running to the ocean.
Soo: [OOC] Did you just equate baby turtles being born to a psychotically-unstable woman in a maid uniform rolling around on a pile of burnt corpses?
Joe: [OOC] Oh snap I forgot she was still in a maid uniform. Now I'm totally making her do it! We're only a beached dolphin away from recreating my bachelor party.
Kyle: [OOC] I never thought I'd say this, but I think we need to save Danielle from Joe.

Monday, February 3, 2014

67- Logic

Dane: [GM] The truck's breaks squeal as it comes to a stop. An Imperial soldier, part of the dozen or so sent with you as an escort walks around back and informs you that you've reached the ruins.
Kyle: [Bailey Hunt] Bailey staggers out of the truck and sucks in some fresh air. "Can't stand trucks."
Joe: [GR-210] GR hops out next and pokes Bailey's boot. "I thought you hated airships."
Kyle: [Bailey Hunt] "Na too fond'a trucks neither."
Kyle: [OOC] I figure it easier if he just hates all types of transportation. Helps me not forget.
Ian: [Mari Shasho] Mari hops out and lands in some mud, wiggling her toes in her sandals. "Personally I like this place. Kinda homey."
Soo: [Kali dVostog] Kali steps out and looks around. "So this is it, eh?"
Dane: [Danielle] Danielle looks around as well. "There is much humidity here and I fear you may rust master. Please let me know if you require dehumidifying."
Joe: [GR-210] "If I need my fluids drained, you'll be the first one to know, my dear."
Dane: [GM] The temple before you sits in a wide clearing in the jungle. It's a stepped pyramid with a long flight of stairs running up to a small central box on top that looks like a shrine. 
Joe: [OOC] I think we should just  blow a hole in the side and walk in.
Kyle: [OOC] As opposed to the obvious door?
Joe: [OOC] Well duh. Look, the best treasure is always at the bottom of the dungeon. Assuming that, it only makes sense to start as near the to bottom as possible. 
Soo: [OOC] I don't think Mayan-style step pyramids actually had anything inside. I think they were just artificial mountains and the stuff at the top was all that mattered.
Ian: [OOC] True, but in RPGs all cultures built religious structures with massive, convoluted basements purely as a means of hiding lots of treasure and such.
Dane: [GM] Workers from the antiquities office begin to climb the stairs to the pyramid's shrine.
Soo: [Kali dVostog] Kali watches the workers begin to walk away. "Perhaps we should get going, I'd hate to have our prize claimed by that Himmult guy's workers before us."
Joe: [GR-210] "Absolutely not!" GR-210 exclaims "We have to let them go first. That way they all get killed off by the traps so we have less to encounter ourselves."
Soo: [Kali dVostog] But this was a temple at some point, a place of worship and work. Why would it have tons of booby traps? In a tomb I can understand the deterrent to grave-robbing but wouldn't lots of deadly traps be just a huge issue to a building meant to serve an everyday function?
Ian: [Mari Shasho] Mari gives Kali a joking hug. "You're adorable with all your logic and stuff Miss Kali."
Kyle: [Bailey Hunt] "Wha' Mari's gettin' at is that we've gone inta enougha these ta know a pattern."
Dane: [GM] Relentlessly trying to predict me OOC wasn't enough? Now your characters are genre experts?
Ian: [OOC] Well I mean, Mari and Bailey ARE professional adventurers.
Dane: [GM] Fair point.
Dane: [GM] As you stand around talking, a flurry of screams comes from the top of the pyramid. People begin running back down on fire. "Fire traps! Fire traps!" one man yells before falling, burning, down  the the stairs.
Joe: [GM] Nameless workers are the canaries of dungeon diving, at least when you don't have a bard or something.