78- Can't be Assed Combat

Dane: [GM] Anyhow, the stone staircase spirals down into a lower level of the temple, illuminated by those strange glowing stones from before.
Soo: [Kali dVostog] Kali walks down the stairs. "Stay behind me Mari, I think you've had enough close calls for the day."
Ian: [Mari Shasho] Mari nods with a smile.
Soo: [OOC] I figure Ian's right. Mage in front is a bad idea.
Kyle: [OOC] And one-armed person in front is?
Soo: [OOC] Do you want to be in front with your dice?
Kyle: [OOC] I think Kali is a great leader. I'm excited to be part of this group.
Joe: [GR-210] GR skitters down behind everyone else, despite having headlamp eyes that would probably be helpful.
Dane: [Danielle] Danielle walks quietly behind GR-210, keeping her rifle out now.
Kyle: [Bailey Hunt] Bailey follows along with the group, looking around.
Dane: [GM] The stairs spiral around for what feels like a couple of stories before letting out in a hallway. The walls here are also elaborately decorated with carvings like the ones upstairs.
Soo: [Kali dVostog] Kali looks at the stonework, pondering the design.
Dane: [GM] The carvings here depict a story of some sort. On one side of the hallway there's depictions of men and women being attacked by giant insects and fleeing. There are many images of death. The other side of the hall shows men and women charging toward the insects, led by a leader wielding a very fearsome looking sword. It must be of great importance to the image, as it is richly detailed.
Kyle: [OOC] Weren't we here looking for a wand or a baton or something that closes portals?
Ian: [OOC] Dammit we're getting a plot device ahead of ourselves.
Joe: [OOC] I look forward to finding out that the magic sword is powered by four elemental crystals, each guarded by a boss in a theme-dungeon.
Dane: [GM] SHUT UP.
Joe: [OOC] Sorry, I'm playing a Final Fantasy rom in another window, I'm in the vibe.
Ian: [Mari Shasho] Mari looks at the carvings along with Kali. "So I'm starting to see a theme here. You think maybe the Old Velthri folk summoned the bugs too and managed to beat them back?"
Joe: [GR-210] "The Old Velthri made the portals to contact their gods. Maybe they dialed the wrong number."
Joe: [OOC] This is why you playtest your trans-dimensional portals before releasing them.
Kyle: [Bailey Hunt] "Still, iffin' there's'a weapon fer fightin' these things. Maybe we oughta be lookin' fer that too."
Soo: [Kali dVostog] "It's a sword though. Even if it's magical and whatnot, I doubt it can outpace a massed exercise of modern military force."
Ian: [Mari Shasho] Mari kind of stares blankly at Kali.
Soo: [Kali dVostog] Kali sighs with a smile and ruffles Mari's hair. "I don't think a sword can't be improved upon by using some tanks and infantry. Why don't we focus on collecting evidence that the bug threat is real so we can get the Imperial military to help."
Kyle: [OOC] I hate being in a situation where OOC I know damn well why we can't but IC I can't find a reason to disagree.
Soo: [OOC] How so?
Ian: [OOC] Two reasons really: for one, magical swords solve EVERYTHING. Literally everything. Even if we have an entirely sensible plan, it will be doomed to failure without the magical plot device now that it's been introduced. Just because the armies of Rohan and Gondor are marching on Mordor doesn't mean we can get away with not chucking the One Ring into Mt. Doom. 
Soo: [OOC] And number two?
Joe: [OOC] Your idea implies using massed combat: fights between large groups of soldiers.
Soo: [OOC] And what's wrong with that?
Dane: [GM] Soo, I'll send you the official Eldaria rules for massed combat.
Soo: [OOC] It's still loading...
Soo: [OOC] Is a terabyte a lot of data?
Kyle: [OOC] And that's only the text version. The illustrated PDF was so large it gained sentience and killed three game designers.
Soo: [OOC] So in other words, I don't have a month of vacation time available, so I can't learn the massed combat rules?
Ian: [OOC] A month? I didn't know you were a speed-reader.
Joe: [OOC] The rules for massed combat are so obtuse and long no one ever uses them and instead we find ways of solving the plot on a smaller scale to avoid having to learn at all. I call our massed combat alternative "Can't be Assed Combat".
Ian: [OOC] They say there was a group that got involved in a massed combat campaign.
Soo: [OOC] What happened to them?
Kyle: [OOC] They say that they played with the rules under a mangrove tree for two hundred years. When they reached the 200th year, and the first round of combat was actually complete, they all transcended to a higher plane of existence leaving behind only relics of graph paper and a half-eaten bowl of Cheetos.